it's a game that I'd play with my students
you would have a sixteen boxed grid chart
and I'd pick a topic, like nouns or favorite holidays
they would fill in three boxes of their own
then I'd yell, "go!"
and off they'd scramble to give one, to get one

"You can't fill in all the boxes yourself!"
I'd say
You must give an idea to a friend
and then they'll give one to you
Give enough
You'll get enough
until all your boxes are filled

The winner is the one with all the boxes filled first

Life, Bean, is like that
Give One, Get One
Give love, Get love
Give peace, Get peace
Give smiles, get smiles
Maybe the rate of exchange isn't consistent
You may find you give and you don't always
get
Your "boxes" may not fill as quickly as you hope
But what a wonder to know
You filled someone else's boxes
with love, with peace, with smiles
It's too fun to race around giving
Only when you rest do you pause to notice you're
getting
enough

some days I feel as though my soul is glued to the bottom of my shoe
and the cement is still wet; I can't pull through without
leaving a disgraceful trough of debris marked
me

my eyes blister and tear from an invisible force
pushing at my forehead, and tucking my chin doesn't
seem to protect my neck from the tightening
sobs

and your own eyes sear into me
what do you see, little one
don't you know that there's little I can offer
you?

you smile

my foot pulls free

To My delicious darling baby bean,

The decisions I once made
were  all about
how much, how come
why not me
it was a self-involving
self-focusing
lonely
retreat

And now my world is split
into pieces that sparkle
and sever with edges
suddenly it's not about
how much, how come
why not me

suddenly, it's never easy

choosing now means you
first and foremost
always and ever

it's not easy because I worry
will it be enough for you?

was it ever enough for me?

You are now
more than enough
more than all the blessings
I have prayed for all my life

and it's never easy
but it's worth it all and then some

Hi baby bean:

I know I owe you a super long blog.  I've missed blogging the last few days because the District decided to put all blogs on the "restricted access" list, which means I can no longer blog at work. Big boo hoo...

So what can I tell you? First, foremost, forever, always, I love you. Plain and simple.

Second, you are amazing. First, you put on 1/2 pound in ten days. Wow!  Next, you discovered your feet.  Pretty cool, huh?  Then, you pulled off your sock. And you're a mean cereal eating machine.

I couldn't love you anymore, even if I tried.  But tomorrow....

Bean, it is so rainy outside, and I'm feeling all blue and heavy and just missing you so much.  You are at home with Daddy today, which means I won't have much contact with you today.  I plan on racing home as soon as I can and put you on my chest and we're gonna stay like that all night.  Oh, we'll pause for a bottle and diaper change here and there, but that's it :)

I miss my Sunshine Face.

xoxoxoxoxo

Hey sweet bean of mine!  Guess what?  It's Friday!  Let's all ah together: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

You are a funny one.  This morning I put you in your crib at Grammy Bean's and you pumped your arms and legs up and down the mattress.  It looked like you were swimming, which is funny, because when you were in the tub last night, you kept your arms pinned to your sides.  We'll figure that out soon, because you are the Bean of the boat. 

The Lake: I can't waaaaaaait for you to see it!  OM goodness, you will LOVE it!

I am looking at your sweet face right now and with you is the only place I want to be right now.

Be careful what you wish for, for you just might get it.  Starting February 1st, I shall be home with you.  We'll be absolutely broke, but I have a feeling it's going to be just fine.

"The moment I let go of it,
was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it,
was the moment that I touched down."--Alanis Morrisette